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Life lessons from the water dispenser

One day during family pop quiz (No credit to us. It was a Netflix program, and we were playing along), one of the questions was, “Why do people spend so much time planning what they will wear to prom?”   Kids: Because they want to flex. Me: Why would you want to flex on prom night? Kids: It is the only day you can show the teachers that you are dope. Me: But why flex? The back and forth continued until I realized we were on two dimensions. For my generation, “flexing” is fighting; for their generation, it means “to show off.”   Exhibit 2: While traveling out of the country for work I was chatting online with Jason (11 years). After some time, he said Mama, it was nice chatting, but now I have to be AFK Me: What is that? Jason: Away from the keyboard. It means I am going to do something away from the computer. Exhibit 3: We intentionally purchased a home water dispenser with a safety button to prevent children from accidentally pressing and burning themselves. Some months ago, I needed
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Boundaries continued

  Boundaries II The whole of person's body (not just areas covered by swim suits) is their personal space and you need their freely given permission to touch or hold them. Kids: What about our close friends and siblings and parents? Me: Because of the close relationship you have with these groups of people, you have their default permission to touch, hold, and hug in ways you have always done. However, just because someone has always been okay with you touching them does not mean they cannot change their mind. That goes for you too, you should always tell even me and Dad anytime you are not comfortable being touched. You must listen to what people say with their words or actions. If someone says they don't want to be touched, do not touch them. If they do not respond to your touch the way they normally do e.g. if the person is unenthusiastic, stiffens, squirms, or seems to move away from the touch, you must stop immediately and find out if they are okay because “Their body, t

Boundaries

  Boundaries I have had sessions where the problem is a relationship (work/ friendship/intimate) broken because of something (verbatim) “trivial”, “small”, “no big deal”. Sometimes the person laying the complaint is the victim and other times it is the offender. Boundary breaker, when you have done something to offend someone you have abused their boundary. It does not matter how “trivial”, “small”, or “no big deal,” you think the thing you did is; there is only ONE of only TWO things that you can do to correct it. 1. Apologize to them without using the word BECAUSE or BUT. BECAUSE means you are blaming them for your action. BUT means you are justifying your action. Any of these two words is simply adding salt to a wound you caused in the first place. 2. Accept their refusal of your apology. Sometimes we hurt people so bad that they do not want to have anything to do with us again. If you try to prevail on someone who does not want your apology, you are once again breaching their bound

I am a gem

What makes you a gem? I recently coached Rene ( pseudonym ) brilliant young woman who had moved to another country a year ago to take up an executive role in a prestigious company. Rene: I am so down. I do not know what has gone wrong. All my life -- home, school, work -- people have always commented on how outspoken, brilliant, and confident I am but since I moved here it has been different. People are not saying the things I have been hearing all my life. Something must have definitely gone wrong with me. After ascertaining that she was doing well in the new job as evidenced by her most recent appraisal. I asked her to write down the 5 things she loved most about herself. When she looked at me, without making a move to start on the assignment, I rephrased the task: "Write down 5 things that make you a gem." Rene: Doc, I do not want to do this task. Me: Why? Rene: What if I discover that there is nothing that I like about myself? Rene’s dilemma is common among the people I